Perfect?

This semester has provided many high moments, and also many moments causing reflection on my life: how I got where I am, who I have become, and the relationships I have developed.

Ultimately, I am not satisfied with my current relationships. (I briefly will touch on human need to have these connections with others, and even more briefly mention the importance of relationships to females, as taught and learned through societal gender roles.) Anyways, I think, after much thought, it boils down to perfection: my perfectionist nature, and thinking anything less than perfection is not good and is weak. This has led to being mediocre at relationships because it becomes difficult to share anything that is less than my best. Relationships can only go so deep.

Let's take boys for example: there was a period in my life when I became obsessed with having the perfect body. What worth would I have if I wasn't attractive? Obviously, there is SO much wrong with with this question. However, that shaped a majority of my high school and college years. I have learned that I have much to offer the world, but still I struggle with accepting my imperfections (non-body related), and struggle even more so with sharing them in a long term relationship.

Those I supervise: If they saw I made mistakes, would they respect me? For not knowing an answer, or doing something wrong? I fear they won't respect these weaknesses. However, i know it's how they see me as human. But still, I want to give them something to aspire to, someone to look up to. Looking toward failure isn't motivating.

Family: I have spent so much time going to school, getting involved, focusing on a 4.0, and working to be successful in career moves that I have yet to build strong relationships with my immediate family - including my mother. And that blows. I have been giving myself a pep talk all break about how it doesn't just happen, it's something you have to work at. Like dental care. (Flossing really does wonders! 2010 Resolution = success!)

Again, this boils down to my need to show perfection. How can I have a conversation about something that is disappointing? It will only bring disappointment to others' lives.

Now it's not only perfection, but it's also my desire to be positive. Constantly. Negativity is not something I subscribe to. Henceforth, i don't like sharing negative moments in my life. I would rather find the silver lining. This is not to say I never share my frustrations, but often they are things I think about and process privately before I express them aloud. I want to make sure I understand all aspects of the situation and can articulate what is truly bothering me before I rant and/or rave about something that won't matter in a month.

So do I have good relationships? Yes probably. But are they perfect? Of course not, that may be hard to come by for everyone. But it's what i desire. ...and who can blame a girl for striving for something better?