Qualifying Qualifiers

Fun fact: Men and women communicate differently. Gendered speech has recently become fascinating to me. As young children we learn to communicate from our parents, close family, peers, and authorities (teachers, etc.) in our lives. As we develop our gender identity, our patterns of speech and non-verbal communication become part of what we learn and who we are. As a proud female, I have learned my learned speech patterns can hinder me from being taken seriously.

One caveat of gendered speech is females will often qualify their sentences with a question. A qualifier in language increases or reduces the absolute value of a statement. This can be done with an actual question, "I enjoyed the movie. Didn't you?" or by simply raising one's voice at the end of the sentence as one would when asking a question. For example: "You think I will be great at chairing this committee" compared to: You think I will be great at chairing this committee?"

So what does this mean? There are two thought processes.
1.) Women are less confident, so we qualify our statements to solicit feedback to confirm our thoughts and ideas.
2.) Women are looking for a way to encourage others to be involved with the conversation, as a way to continue to build relationships through verbal communication.
*Thank you to Julia Wood for explaining it so well in "Gendered Lives." Great read, high recommend it!

I had a conversation today with one particular colleague, whom I speak with on a regular basis. We always chat about supporting our female students in a male dominated environment and other feminist things, in general. TOday's topic of conversation turned toward the subject of qualifiers and understanding our own speech patterns. We made a pact to try our best to eliminate qualifiers from our daily speech patterns - in an attempt to be more direct and be taken more seriously. We both feel we are confident people, but also realize we have been trained to ask our statements with questions. After some deliberation, we determined the qualifiers we use to invite others to a conversation and develop relationships are beneficial and we want to keep them as part of our speech. However, the questions which lend towards uncertainty and lack of confidence must go. ASAP. This next week will be a test of both awareness and trust in ourselves.

In this same light, I encourage you to consider your speech patterns. I know you are a confident individual. So what shows your confidence?

Happiness

So I think a lot about happiness. I probably wouldn't think about it as much, if people didn't always say, "You're always so happy." "You are always smiling." Well, fan-flipping-tastic. I never used to think about it. Now I think about it ALL the TIME.

And I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea why I am always happy, always positive. What specifically makes me happy? Talking to people? Being awesome? Obvs.

And then I started to read this book. You may have heard of it. It's called, "The Happiness Project." I think it's on a few best-selling lists somewhere in America. Some chick had everything and wondered why she wasn't as happy as she felt she should be. So she made small changes every month for a year focusing on a different aspect of her life each month. Smart, yes? Then I thought, should I do that? I'm happy. People tell me they perceive me as happy. But am I as happy as I should be? And then I'm like: what the heck does that even mean. I need like a happy-o-meter that I talk to every morning and it just pops out a rating. And then I would know.

I'm about April into the book right now. It's chalk full of interesting tid-bits, but I have learned two things.
1.) A large majority of our happiness is genetic. We are born at a certain happy level. We can do things to boost or lower that level, but it stays within a range. So I guess I got lucky, and I guess some people are SOL. Rough day when I read that paragraph. I still need to do a little research to confirm, but it is what it is.

2.) Enjoy the process. I think somewhere I just got so busy that I forgot to enjoy the process of getting to a goal. During the past few years, I have reached whatever goal I had set, and I didn't feel a sense of accomplishment. It was like, awesome, check, what's next? So I'm working on appreciating the small things, even if it delays a process. Wow, that got deep.


Alright, it's bed time.
Also I ate too many chocolate chips. Dang you, Safeway and your "buy 1 get one 50% baking items" sales.

"I'll be there for you..."

The great thing about moving to a new place is all of the wonderful, new, fun things to do. And they are all wonderful because they are new. It's never been done before, well, at least not by you. But the one downfall of moving on a whim to a new place, is sometimes you just don't know a whole heck of a lot of people. Everyone's real nice, but those emotional connections you have worked to build with friends in past locations just aren't present.

So to sum this up: I've been a little bored.
Don't get me wrong: I've met some wonderful people and work is fulfilling, but I've spent a lot of 'me time' with myself in the last 2.5 months. Most of which I enjoy, sincerely. But that just means I have a decent amount a free time.

And in my free time, I have (further) developed hobbies.
- Running
- Pilates at a studio
- (Excessive) Shopping
- and Watching "Friends"

So "Friends" marathoning, I am. Started with season 1 in July and just got to season 7 today. And I have had quite a few epiphanies in the making.

As a preface, I grew up watching this show. When I was in South America (15 years ago), "Friends" (and "The Nanny") were the only shows I watched in English. So I grew up with Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Ross every week.

- I've always had a love for each character, but Rachel was my favorite. Fashionista, works at Ralph Lauren, she's pretty, and confident enough to talk to attractive men. (That last one is something I appreciate now.)

Now I realize I loved the characters, and in turn the show, because I identify with each of them uniquely.
*Rachel: Fashionista, ability to get the men (still). She's perfect, yet flawed in ways that add to her perfectness.
*Monica: Neat freak. Organized. Has 11 kinda of towels. I don't, but I appreciate the categorical approach. Perfectionist.
*Phoebe: Quirky, which she embraces. She's not afraid to be herself, and other's embrace her quirky personality traits. I have some quirks and I am not afraid to show the world what I have to offer.
*Joey: Can be focused. Sometimes it's on sex and other times it's on sandwiches. But he is fixed on what he needs (wants) in that moment. When I am in the zone, there is no stopping me.
*Chandler: He's funny. Almost awkward funny. I don't think I am hilarious, but sometimes I make awkward jokes, and it works out.
*Ross: Nerdy. He really is. He's a paleontologist. I may not be akin to Dinosaurs, but some of my favorites include: Star Wars (only the originals), Lord of the Rings (obvs), Harry Potter, ...and math is fun.

- When you're 10, you don't really get all of the sexual innuendos. I get them now. (The show is WAY more funny now.)

- I also enjoy HIMYM. But Barney is a 2000s version of the 1990s Joey.

- The last thing I appreciate about "Friends" is their friendships. The show is driven by a vague storyline about their dating lives, but really what it boils down to is the progression of their relationships. And with that progression came conflict. Lots of conflict. Each show someone is usually pissed at someone else. But at the end of the day they are able to continue on.

They are all actually so different, that in real life I don't know that they would all be friends. Yet, they are so different, that each of the 6 of them fulfill what the other 5 are missing. In that way the show has great chemistry.

Much like all of the Harry Potter fans claim the last movie to be the 'end of an era,' I think the end of "Friends" was an end of an era for me. But reliving that era has been way more fun.

The End of an Era

I have two days and one morning left in Muncie, IN. Only two short years ago, I was packin gup my life and getting ready to head out to the Midwest. Since then, a lot has happened - some things have changed, others have stayed strangely the same - but if there is one thing I know, it is that I have "done my time," "paid my dues," and am ready to leave the flattest land behind me.

A few months ago, I created a bucket list of things I still wanted to do in Muncie.
- Paint a coat on the world's largest ball of paint with Katie Harder.
- Learn to belly dance with Lamees Galal.
- Go on a bike ride with Kellen Story.
- Execute the top-secret planned adventure with Josiah Black.
- Go to a country club with Mike Starr.

If this was a class, I would have failed Bucket List 101. I painted the ball of paint and completed the secret mission, both with some fantastic people! But with everything nearing an end, I don't seeing bike riding, two-stepping, or belly dancing in my near future. (Perhaps during a trip to visit this upcoming year..) Two out of five.

Even though this was a poor showing, many other adventures have become part of my time here that must also be put on the list!:
- Visit the Muncie Winery (Double points - I went twice.)
- Fly a kite with lil' Ainsley
- Be in a photoshoot for Ball State (For the Graduate School, just it still counts.)
- Saw two sets of best friends get married (Also double points!)

So... What's that? Eight out of eleven? Goodness, that's not evenly distributable. Ehh... about 72-73%. I'll accept a C. C's get diplomas.


As I'm getting ready for the big move/drive out west to the great state of Colorado, I have been posed with the question of "What will I miss most about Muncie?"

I listed off some favorite physical places:
- Farmers Market at Minnetrista
- Running around campus
And a few more:
- IY, Ritters, Concannons, and Ivanhoo's
- Having a plethora of country radio stationsto select from...

But I think I'm going to miss the funny inside jokes:
- The HRL Porno List
- "It's _____TIME."
- Red pants
- The laugh
- The bromances
- What 601 really means, and what happens there...
- 6AB1
- B608
- "I want chocolate!"

And the people I shared these jokes with too over the past two years... :)

"house spouse" lessons

After being in Oregon for a week, these are things that stick with me:
1. My grandparents are B.A. They have done crazy things in their life, and some not so crazy things, but more so committed/dedicated/respectable things that has built a great legacy and a wonderful family.
2. I can’t sew worth a rat’s ass. I tried. Running a sewing machine isn’t half hard, but it’s the figuring out what comes first, and how-to-stitch-every-thing-together-in-a-hidden-seems-fashion business that is slightly exhausting. Needless to say, I’m really good at ripping. But what I did learn is that you just have to think ahead, plan it out, buy extra fabric, play with the fabric, and if all else fails, try it a different way. Or hodge-podge it together. Kinda like life (oooh…ahhhh). I know, gross.
3. I hope I find someone to love me for decades, and for me to love him back.
4. There’s nothing like a good walk.
5. It won’t be like childhood summers anymore. The cousins have grown. I visit before the fruit is ripe. Summer berry pies must be asked for, instead of a dime a dozen and a new flavor every day at noon. Pine cone wars are a thing of the past. Running around for hours on end on 7 acres of land is no longer a practical use of time unless there is a lawn mower or a machete in hand (which is why I am not allowed). But these things have been replaced with talking about real life things: like jobs, and stories of life experiences, or trustes (both A and B and all the legal jargon), and house spouse lessons – things every one should know.

fleeting thoughts

I always have so many thoughts begging to be explored. But every time I go to write them down, they are fleeting, like a butterfly on a warm summer day. Internally processing is more effective, and then it seems laborious to reprocess those thoughts on paper. I even thought through this, almost word for word, before writing it down. And I almost didn’t because it was tiresome to think through twice.

I have a strange desire to write while sitting in seat 24A from Seattle to Phoenix, which rarely happens. However, I have no desire to work on a proposal for a conference program, which always happens. I find it strange that anyone would think a (barely) 24 year old to have some kind of euphoric knowledge that the rest of the community should be begging to know. Yet I do understand, everyone’s perspective is unique and everyone’s gears get going (alliteration!) from something different – combine those two, and poof. Something new is born. Riveting, I know.

In less than one month, I’ll be starting my first job. Grad school assistantship counts ish. It was like a job because of the hours we worked, but no benefits or real salary, so it doesn’t count. This one has a real salary. And in a few short weeks after starting said job, my first pair of real shoes will happen. I am more in love with shoes on the outside than on the inside. Mostly because I am practical. Or at least I think of myself as practical. I doubt anyone that knew my would chime in with a hearty ‘definitely’ or ‘just like her mother.’ But still. I guess I just don’t want to be boring (not that my mother is..), but often I equate practical with boring. So I’m amped up my love for shoes, pretty clothes, and all things Princesses. When it comes down to it, I just prefer to be presentable and treated with respect. Whatever. I can’t wait to start fresh in a new place, in a new job, and with some new faces.

Puffy, puffy clouds.
You have marshmellow essence.
And roasted lighty.

Oh mountain tops.
Linger around patchwork towns.
Just like grandma’s quilts.

One marriage, one quilt.
Sometimes I doubt I’ll get mine.
Or other bauble.

Also, this traveling business is such a tease. Why am I being routed through Phoenix to get to Indianapolis? It’s just mean. Also, to sit there for 3 hours and not able to go home, when home is an hour and a half away. Granted I wouldn’t make it there and back in time, but the thought lingers.

These are literally all the thoughts I have right now. Of course, that does not include the things I process through on a daily basis, which would be complicated and boresome to start at the beginning and to understand how they got to be where they are. Thoughts are so fleeting. Of course its just normal stuff any twenty-something lady thinks of: boys, and sex, and perfect tans on perfect little bodies, with perfect outfits for evenings out to meet some cute little twenty something boy. Oh and my stocks and how much credit card debt I have. Gah.

Arizona – so brown.
It is greener on the ground.
Especially cacti.

Muncie Bucket List

Just a few things I want to do before I leave the Midwest in the dust:

- Paint a coat on the world's largest ball of paint with Katie Harder.

- Learn to belly dance with Lamees Galal.

- Go on a bike ride with Kellen Story.

- Execute the top-secret planned adventure with Josiah Black.

- Go to a country club with Mike Starr.


*This is a working document and is subject to change until I move to a coast.

melting emotions

The snow drips.
Drips drop by drop.
Creating brittle snowbanks.

The snow is no longer white.
Just browned from dirt.
Unpleasing to the eye.

It is no longer untouched.
No longer sparkling.
It has seen life.

The bustle of people interacting.
The hustle of 'point A to point B.'
Cars, shoes, jogging, skipping.

As it melts into the ground.
Becoming one with the earth.
Allowing new life to grow in the spring.

Baking

HIMYM proved to present another fascinating idea tonight. When guys initiate a 'booty call,' it is usually in the form of a phone call. When ladies want to spend time with a man, they invite them over to do something innocent.
...like crafting, shopping, or baking.

Why is this? Because we genuinely want to partake in these hobbies and want someone do enjoy them with? Or maybe it's a test. Will the guy stick through these activities (whether or not they think he thinks they are mundane) to get to another activity. ...like hugging?

I can't even count the number of times I have asked a boy over to help me bake. I would say many times were genuine. or maybe time management based. "I need to bake 2 dozen cupcakes and I'd also like to see you. To ensure I don't go to bed at 3 am, I'll do both at the same time. It's a two-fer."

Maybe because it's Valentine's Day, I have a strong desire to bake. With a boy. Or watch a movie and cuddle. Even if I am going to fall asleep. At least I would be falling asleep with someone.

Heartbreak

But I'd much rather be
Somewhere with you

Laughing loud on a carnival ride, yeah
Driving around on a Saturday night
You made fun of me for singing my song
Got a hotel room just to turn you on

You said pick me up at 3 a.m.
You're fighting with your mom again
And I'd go, I'd go, I'd go
Somewhere with you, yeah

I won't sit
Outside your house
And wait for the lights
To go out

Call up an ex
To rescue me
Climb in their bed when I'd much rather sleep
Somewhere with you

Like we did on the beach last summer
When the rain came down and we took cover
Down in your car, out by the pier
You laid me down, whispered in my ear

I hate my life, hold on to me
Ah, if you ever decide to leave
Then I'll go, I'll go, I'll go

I can go out every night of the week
Can go home with anybody I meet
But it's just a temporary high
'Cause when I close my eyes

I'm somewhere with you
Somewhere with you.

-Thanks, Kenny!

.leaving.

Emily has left, to Honduras today. My thoughts are with her as she begins her great journey.

May it be fulfilling, as the moments we have spent trying on hats in Michael's, buying ridiculous clothes in Ross, making campaign materials, going on journeys to the gas station to play the touch screen games and get ice cream cones, and all randomness in general, of which I cherish it all.

little snowflake

It's going to snow for the next, like, 40 hours.
And, I despise the cold.

Henceforth, I am not looking forward to this snow and the cold it brings with it.

But I do love looking at the white, peacefulness when I wake in the morning. It's untouched beauty is moving.
And then, I have to go outside, and the beauty is ruined. Mostly because of the cold, and also because I step on it and it is no longer untouched. But if it's early enough, I see only one set of little footprints, left by the ball of my shoes and the tip of my high heel.