little snowflake

It's going to snow for the next, like, 40 hours.
And, I despise the cold.

Henceforth, I am not looking forward to this snow and the cold it brings with it.

But I do love looking at the white, peacefulness when I wake in the morning. It's untouched beauty is moving.
And then, I have to go outside, and the beauty is ruined. Mostly because of the cold, and also because I step on it and it is no longer untouched. But if it's early enough, I see only one set of little footprints, left by the ball of my shoes and the tip of my high heel.

Reflecting Ahead.

'Tis the time of the year to create well-crafted New Year's Resolutions. Most times they are broken, yes? for example, I love going to the gym in January, and then going to the gym in March. Actually, I despise going to the gym in January. It's so packed, but it just makes it so much better when I go in March.

Often times we construct these elaborate goals that will change our lives, only to find that completing them is exhausting. Meh, I'm over it. Now I pick just a few things that will slightly alter my path in hopes to have a long term affect in the future.

ie: Last Year. Goal = to floss every day. Not a huge altering life change. But hey, my future health (and the dentist) is LOVING that move.

So I've put some thought into this year's goals. Not to jump on the ol' bandwagon, but in an attempt to improve life and challenge myself in a healthy way.

So goals =
1. Take my multi-vitamin and calcium pill EVERY day. (It was a goal last year, but fail.)
2. Give more compliments to those I admire.
3. As always, I have the eat healthier, work out consistently, blah blah, one as well.

May the goals of my friends and colleagues be appropriately challenging, healthy, and attainable!

Happy New Year!

Perfect?

This semester has provided many high moments, and also many moments causing reflection on my life: how I got where I am, who I have become, and the relationships I have developed.

Ultimately, I am not satisfied with my current relationships. (I briefly will touch on human need to have these connections with others, and even more briefly mention the importance of relationships to females, as taught and learned through societal gender roles.) Anyways, I think, after much thought, it boils down to perfection: my perfectionist nature, and thinking anything less than perfection is not good and is weak. This has led to being mediocre at relationships because it becomes difficult to share anything that is less than my best. Relationships can only go so deep.

Let's take boys for example: there was a period in my life when I became obsessed with having the perfect body. What worth would I have if I wasn't attractive? Obviously, there is SO much wrong with with this question. However, that shaped a majority of my high school and college years. I have learned that I have much to offer the world, but still I struggle with accepting my imperfections (non-body related), and struggle even more so with sharing them in a long term relationship.

Those I supervise: If they saw I made mistakes, would they respect me? For not knowing an answer, or doing something wrong? I fear they won't respect these weaknesses. However, i know it's how they see me as human. But still, I want to give them something to aspire to, someone to look up to. Looking toward failure isn't motivating.

Family: I have spent so much time going to school, getting involved, focusing on a 4.0, and working to be successful in career moves that I have yet to build strong relationships with my immediate family - including my mother. And that blows. I have been giving myself a pep talk all break about how it doesn't just happen, it's something you have to work at. Like dental care. (Flossing really does wonders! 2010 Resolution = success!)

Again, this boils down to my need to show perfection. How can I have a conversation about something that is disappointing? It will only bring disappointment to others' lives.

Now it's not only perfection, but it's also my desire to be positive. Constantly. Negativity is not something I subscribe to. Henceforth, i don't like sharing negative moments in my life. I would rather find the silver lining. This is not to say I never share my frustrations, but often they are things I think about and process privately before I express them aloud. I want to make sure I understand all aspects of the situation and can articulate what is truly bothering me before I rant and/or rave about something that won't matter in a month.

So do I have good relationships? Yes probably. But are they perfect? Of course not, that may be hard to come by for everyone. But it's what i desire. ...and who can blame a girl for striving for something better?

Books.

People are like books. They have covers, chapters, beginnings, ends, often times sequels. Sometimes they're enlightening, perhaps uplifting, other times they are heart tugging or scary.

But everyone organizes their books differently. I see my life as having not one, but multiple books, which narrate simultaneously. But this isn't just life, it's how I compartmentalize parts of my job and personal life too. I pull out one folder from my brain and it has everything on one subject, when I'm done with that I put it away until it is needed again.

There's a book for work. There's a book for school. There's a book for family. There's a book for boys. Because I live where I work, sometimes these get blended. Not intentionally, but because people care and they want to know how you are doing on a personal level. So I tell them about the recent happenings in my life. Unfortunately, we're all so intertwined, it gets complicated quickly.

The largest lesson I have learned is the way i compartmentalize my life is not the same as other people compartmentalize their lifes. My chapters are clearly defined - a beginning of a thought to the end of the thought. Once something happens, I process through it and move on. The next chapter happens. It's a book so you learn and you grow through it, but you also look forward to what is next. I rarely read past chapters. In my mind if a chapter is over, it's over. You learned what you could from it. I guess it isn't that people don't compartmentalize their chapters differently, it may be that our chapter don't begin or end at the same time.

I guess I'm just frustrated. My chapter has closed, and another has begun.

What Thesis?

If we consider theoretical perspectives, most especially, epistomology.

I refer to "What Thesis?"

April 11 is going to be: THE. BEST. DAY. EVER.

Crying.

How weird is it to cry?
How weird is it to cry more than once a day? Only if it's for one second.

I cried twice today.
1. I missed someone.
Ok. I'm glad I'll see that person soon.

2. I felt overwhelmed.
...and then I told myself to woman up and get to it. Nothing happens without initiative.

But has our society become so desensitized to the emotion attached with crying - whether it be sad or feeling helpless - or has society enforced the perception that crying signifies weakness and we should only show strength? Maybe a combination of both.

Eff it. I cry a lot. If something is sweet, if something is sad, if empathy overcomes me, if there is injustice.

Would I be saying this if I was male? Who knows. Probably not.
So funny to me how it works this way.
But does it 'work'?

Doubtful.

I'm glad I didn't have anything heavy. I would have thrown it.

I just watched a ridiculous argument on ShowBiz about this female reporter who tweeted the comments made by male athletes made her feel uncomfortable.

One guy was arguing, she should expect it in her line of work, her clothes invited the comments, and if she couldn't handle it, she should get a different job.

Excuse me. WHAT?

First off,

Harassment is defined as something that makes a person feel reasonably uncomfortable. Cat calls, comments about one's body are considered sexual harassment.

Two, it does not matter what anyone wears. Clothing is not a reason to sexually harass someone.

Three, just because males have listened to their male peers and accepted how they have treated women wrongly as truth, does not mean that behavior is a.) acceptable; b.) welcome, and c.) something women should have to deal with. At all. EVER.

Four, saying someone should find another job if s/he cannot handle sexual harassment is ignorant and uncivil, as well as illegal.

To that prick: Become educated. Maybe you will have intelligent arguments next time.

To the reporter: All women thank you for standing up for yourself.

That's all.