Reflecting Ahead.

'Tis the time of the year to create well-crafted New Year's Resolutions. Most times they are broken, yes? for example, I love going to the gym in January, and then going to the gym in March. Actually, I despise going to the gym in January. It's so packed, but it just makes it so much better when I go in March.

Often times we construct these elaborate goals that will change our lives, only to find that completing them is exhausting. Meh, I'm over it. Now I pick just a few things that will slightly alter my path in hopes to have a long term affect in the future.

ie: Last Year. Goal = to floss every day. Not a huge altering life change. But hey, my future health (and the dentist) is LOVING that move.

So I've put some thought into this year's goals. Not to jump on the ol' bandwagon, but in an attempt to improve life and challenge myself in a healthy way.

So goals =
1. Take my multi-vitamin and calcium pill EVERY day. (It was a goal last year, but fail.)
2. Give more compliments to those I admire.
3. As always, I have the eat healthier, work out consistently, blah blah, one as well.

May the goals of my friends and colleagues be appropriately challenging, healthy, and attainable!

Happy New Year!

Perfect?

This semester has provided many high moments, and also many moments causing reflection on my life: how I got where I am, who I have become, and the relationships I have developed.

Ultimately, I am not satisfied with my current relationships. (I briefly will touch on human need to have these connections with others, and even more briefly mention the importance of relationships to females, as taught and learned through societal gender roles.) Anyways, I think, after much thought, it boils down to perfection: my perfectionist nature, and thinking anything less than perfection is not good and is weak. This has led to being mediocre at relationships because it becomes difficult to share anything that is less than my best. Relationships can only go so deep.

Let's take boys for example: there was a period in my life when I became obsessed with having the perfect body. What worth would I have if I wasn't attractive? Obviously, there is SO much wrong with with this question. However, that shaped a majority of my high school and college years. I have learned that I have much to offer the world, but still I struggle with accepting my imperfections (non-body related), and struggle even more so with sharing them in a long term relationship.

Those I supervise: If they saw I made mistakes, would they respect me? For not knowing an answer, or doing something wrong? I fear they won't respect these weaknesses. However, i know it's how they see me as human. But still, I want to give them something to aspire to, someone to look up to. Looking toward failure isn't motivating.

Family: I have spent so much time going to school, getting involved, focusing on a 4.0, and working to be successful in career moves that I have yet to build strong relationships with my immediate family - including my mother. And that blows. I have been giving myself a pep talk all break about how it doesn't just happen, it's something you have to work at. Like dental care. (Flossing really does wonders! 2010 Resolution = success!)

Again, this boils down to my need to show perfection. How can I have a conversation about something that is disappointing? It will only bring disappointment to others' lives.

Now it's not only perfection, but it's also my desire to be positive. Constantly. Negativity is not something I subscribe to. Henceforth, i don't like sharing negative moments in my life. I would rather find the silver lining. This is not to say I never share my frustrations, but often they are things I think about and process privately before I express them aloud. I want to make sure I understand all aspects of the situation and can articulate what is truly bothering me before I rant and/or rave about something that won't matter in a month.

So do I have good relationships? Yes probably. But are they perfect? Of course not, that may be hard to come by for everyone. But it's what i desire. ...and who can blame a girl for striving for something better?

Books.

People are like books. They have covers, chapters, beginnings, ends, often times sequels. Sometimes they're enlightening, perhaps uplifting, other times they are heart tugging or scary.

But everyone organizes their books differently. I see my life as having not one, but multiple books, which narrate simultaneously. But this isn't just life, it's how I compartmentalize parts of my job and personal life too. I pull out one folder from my brain and it has everything on one subject, when I'm done with that I put it away until it is needed again.

There's a book for work. There's a book for school. There's a book for family. There's a book for boys. Because I live where I work, sometimes these get blended. Not intentionally, but because people care and they want to know how you are doing on a personal level. So I tell them about the recent happenings in my life. Unfortunately, we're all so intertwined, it gets complicated quickly.

The largest lesson I have learned is the way i compartmentalize my life is not the same as other people compartmentalize their lifes. My chapters are clearly defined - a beginning of a thought to the end of the thought. Once something happens, I process through it and move on. The next chapter happens. It's a book so you learn and you grow through it, but you also look forward to what is next. I rarely read past chapters. In my mind if a chapter is over, it's over. You learned what you could from it. I guess it isn't that people don't compartmentalize their chapters differently, it may be that our chapter don't begin or end at the same time.

I guess I'm just frustrated. My chapter has closed, and another has begun.

What Thesis?

If we consider theoretical perspectives, most especially, epistomology.

I refer to "What Thesis?"

April 11 is going to be: THE. BEST. DAY. EVER.

Crying.

How weird is it to cry?
How weird is it to cry more than once a day? Only if it's for one second.

I cried twice today.
1. I missed someone.
Ok. I'm glad I'll see that person soon.

2. I felt overwhelmed.
...and then I told myself to woman up and get to it. Nothing happens without initiative.

But has our society become so desensitized to the emotion attached with crying - whether it be sad or feeling helpless - or has society enforced the perception that crying signifies weakness and we should only show strength? Maybe a combination of both.

Eff it. I cry a lot. If something is sweet, if something is sad, if empathy overcomes me, if there is injustice.

Would I be saying this if I was male? Who knows. Probably not.
So funny to me how it works this way.
But does it 'work'?

Doubtful.

I'm glad I didn't have anything heavy. I would have thrown it.

I just watched a ridiculous argument on ShowBiz about this female reporter who tweeted the comments made by male athletes made her feel uncomfortable.

One guy was arguing, she should expect it in her line of work, her clothes invited the comments, and if she couldn't handle it, she should get a different job.

Excuse me. WHAT?

First off,

Harassment is defined as something that makes a person feel reasonably uncomfortable. Cat calls, comments about one's body are considered sexual harassment.

Two, it does not matter what anyone wears. Clothing is not a reason to sexually harass someone.

Three, just because males have listened to their male peers and accepted how they have treated women wrongly as truth, does not mean that behavior is a.) acceptable; b.) welcome, and c.) something women should have to deal with. At all. EVER.

Four, saying someone should find another job if s/he cannot handle sexual harassment is ignorant and uncivil, as well as illegal.

To that prick: Become educated. Maybe you will have intelligent arguments next time.

To the reporter: All women thank you for standing up for yourself.

That's all.

"My Huckleberry Friend"

The first time I saw "Breakfast at Tiffany's" I fell in love. Partly because Audrey Hepburn is classy and will always be my idol, but also because Holly Golightly is my essence.

Looking past the 'call-girl' complex, here's why I love the woman in the black dress.

- Independent and does what she wants to do
- Classy clothes and classy woman
- Still trying to find her place in the world
- Has everything, but has nothing
- Follows her heart
- Takes care of herself just fine, but wouldn't mind having someone to take care of her
- Socialite of the town
- Wears a crackerjack ring proudly
- Tiffany's does scare away the mean reds
- Diamonds shouldn't be worn before 40 - but pearls should
- WIld at heart and won't let anyone put her in a cage
- Loves kissing in the rain


Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.
Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

"The Spirit Makes the Master"

Besides being a lovely saying from Western Kentucky University, it also holds deep meaning for me.

"Being young at heart" or having "child-like spirit" are all fantastic, but I believe what people are searching for is a simplistic idea with a multitude of outcomes: passion. Simply put. What are you passionate about?

I don't care what your passion is as long as you have one. One pushing you to reach, to believe, to enhance your world and that of others. If you have passion, then you will forever have that twinkle in your eye.


I digress, I do care what your passions are - the content matters. Because how can one truly live, if one feels aimless inside?

Things I missed while I was away...

- The freezing MPR in Park: in which only the most hilarious and best times ensue with all HRL staff.
- The gum tree: because its weird, but really cool.
- The smoke free campus: because I like living.
- My own apartment: and how it's oh so color themed.
- My own office: also color themed.
- Baking in my oven: tasty treat tomorrow for the grads!
- My besties: Josiah Black, Joel Bushman, and of course - my other half - Katie Harder.
- Muncie, in general: it's quaint.
- Laser Tag: because it's just awesome.
- My RAs: oh come back soon!
- My HC members: they were so fun!
- Mid-west love: I've never been so excited to see rows and rows of corn in my life.
- Ultimate frisbee: hilarity ensues.
- Green grass: because there is space for it!
- The Bell Tower: and how it chimes every 15 minutes (and is ahead 2 minutes).
- Brayton/Clevenger: You'll always be my first!

Like New York to Carrie. Ball State, you'll always have part of my heart.

Happiness

What makes you happy?

The following have made me happy this summer:

Sitting in a residence hall left from the Atlanta Olympics overlooking the city lights.
Having the freedom to run miles and miles around the capital of our nation.
Seeing friends and family I haven't seen in months, and a few, years.
Watching my new baby cousin grow and explore.
Driving back to Muncie for round 2. ding ding!
Singing at the top of my lungs as I drive across the country.
Baking with and for those I enjoy.
Decorating my office and apartment.
Watching too many episodes of Friends and still laughing.
Dancing to a good jam.
Taking pictures of things and people I appreciate.
Meeting new people.
Helping others.
Shopping.
Flirting.
Traveling.
Seeing Pittsburg with a good friend.
Playing Shuffleboard.
Smiling.

Advice on a June Day

Know the relationship of your supervisor with her/his supervisor.

Be adventurous.

Go to bed early.

Quote of the Day:
"I was going to talk to him but I was wearing flats not heels."

Out Running The Storm

Would you rather wait it out or outrun it? I choose the latter. On my recent drive from Atlanta to Mississippi, there was a thunder storm so intense, I could barely see out the window. I could have pulled over, but my anxiousness and impatience to be out of the car, pushed me through. I drove in these conditions for at least half an hour. Was this safe? No, probably not. But I thought it may be less safe to pull over when over drivers couldn't see me. It became a game, to see the road ahead, and get to my destination safely. Anyways, so what I'm trying to say is, what do you do when there is a storm? Not just a literal storm, but a life storm: when things are crashing around you, and you can barely see the path in front of you. I'm sure it can be approached differently, but I would rather not just sit there and let the world decide for me. Push through the storm. That may mean one makes irrational decisions sometimes, just to make a decision. But who cares? It usually works out. I say push through the storm - it'll test your strength. For the better.

Reasons to lick the bowl...

1. Nothing is wasted.
2. Batter doesn't clog the drain.
3. "Oopp-sies" are discovered before they go into the oven. ...and can be fixed.
4. It's fun.

Image is Everything.

Especially in the great city of Washington DC. The suits. The fancy stores. The gorgeous water fronts. The spectacular monuments. Everything about this city is posh. Image is important for the nations capitol. People buy into this idea. Fancy suits doing government work and making big decisions. Would we trust a sloppy politician? Probably not. (I mean, most people don’t trust them anyways. But it’s the system we have, you have to have some faith in the intended good a democracy can do. – But that’s another conversation.)
Now do I believe image IS everything? I have grown accustomed to two specific and opposing perspectives.
1. The Student Affairsy (humanistic) Perspective – what’s on the inside counts! Development of the whole individual is important. Reflecting moments.
2. The fashion industry perspective – coming from a Merchandising background, I was taught how to study dress, image, put together a “look”, a line and forecast upcoming trends. Essentially, study the concept of image. Image is everything.
I pulled in at 4 pm and began unloading my car. I have never seen so many people strolling on the sidewalk dressed to the nine at 4 pm on a Friday afternoon. After hitting up a popular night neighborhood, the images overwhelmed me. My hoodie and rolled up jean capris seemed so far out of place, it’s not even funny. I’m so used to the small town college schools, where jeans and flops were 100% acceptable at the local bars. I always have enjoyed spiffing myself up to stand out in these situations, but now it’d just be ‘acceptable.’ And probably still underdressed. My wardrobe is limited in this sense. (I know, surprising.)

Here’s a fun fact: as I was driving In I heard on the radio about a group that has been discriminated against and there are no laws to protect – dun dun dun, the unattractive. At first, I thought, ridiculous. But then I began to ponder it. Yes, its probably true. If you are attractive, people pay attention to you, want to talk to you, etc. I feel I have been blessed with a bit of an attractive gene. I’m no Jessica Alba, but I feel I have received some of the advantages society provides those who look decent. Then I started thinking about legislation to protect ugly people… I’m not sure how that would even begin. Blah.

So this brings it back to image. Money and time goes into establishing my look and image everyday. (So this then benefits those who have the resources?)

And while this is fine and dandy, I also don’t want this to be my only asset to society. I would like to think my thoughts and ideas contribute to progression. But yet, if the smartest person in the world showed up to a job interview looking sloppy, there is no chance this individual would secure a job, solely based on image.

It’s an interesting dichotomy I struggle with every day, as I am sure many others do as well. The goal is to find your own balance.

Blogging at the Farm

Since I have not had internet access or cell phone service for four days, here are my delayed thoughts...

Sunday, May 16

I just met my 18 month old cousin Joshua for the first time. The child is blabbing all over the place, almost walking and is a chipper young fellow. Babies have a thing for me, I’m not sure what it is, but he took to me right away. Heni said he’s teething as well. Everytime he wakes up, he’s excited. Growing, learning. It’s exciting for him.
And I said right back: “Like college students. They’re growing and teething too. Just in grown up ways.” Funny, how people develop the ways they do, no matter the age.
I used to be so tired from school. Now it’s refreshing. Learning is exciting. I’m so not “over school.” Bring it on.


On a side note, this is the first time I’ve been to the farm in over a decade. It’s peaceful. There’s time to think. I haven’t had that in a while. Well, at least not the cluttered thinking time I usually have. The cousins are here. I haven’t seen them in ages. I love how May brings people to the farm. The peacocks are out honking and running around. A fire ant already bit me on a toe. The birds are chirping. Gumbo is brewing on the stove for dinner tonight. I think the crew is going canoeing tomorrow.

Actually, on second thought, the peacocks sound exactly like the …whatchamacallit birds from “Up!”. Emily always talks about hunting them, as a joke. Because they don’t exist.

And here are some epically awesome quotes from some epic women.

Tuesday, May 18

Me: “Grandma, Aunt Milldred called. She wanted to know if you needed anything from the liquor store?”

Wednesday, May 19

Grandma: "No one gets rid of their bad boy."

Ducks in a Row

I constantly find myself saying, "I never thought I'd say/do/hear/see..." Well, one of my RAs knocked on my apartment door this morning. As she was about to head out for the summer, I wanted to say goodbye. I threw on some pants and opened the door. There was Missy, with a mischievous look on her face. Then I heard some chirping in the background. "Missy, are those birds?" "Well, they're ducks..." Wait, ducks? Sure enough two yellow 4 week old ducklings were sitting in our service elevator. "My residents left them, and I can't take them home. What should I do?"

Unfortunately, every animal shelter we called was closed because of Mother's Day. So we walked them over in their bucket to the Duck Pond. They needed to walk around, feel the ground, and swim in the pond. I'm going back tomorrow to check on them to make sure they're okay. ARF may receive a phone call tomorrow. I'm worried for their survival.

This begs two separate thoughts. First, the need for freedom. These poor ducks were stuck in a plastic green tub. Was it more humane to keep them in the bucket and wait until the morning to call? Knowing all well I didn't know how to care for them, they were dirty, hungry, and thirsty. Or was it more humane to let them feel freedom, swim on a pond, gather their own food, drink the available water, but know they may not survive because they have been held in captivity for 4 weeks?

Secondly, as a whole, the world knows how to rock your life. When it seems as though you've reached the end, there is always something that happens to catch you off guard. When I woke up this morning, the only thing I could think about was packing for my summer internship in DC and finishing up building closing items. But nope, there were two ducks sitting in the elevator, quaking away.

Time to go back to packing. Only kitchen things done so far!